Power of Caring
  presented by CIGNA

Please, somebody, stop them.

They're making our ballparks unsafe. They're causing fisticuffs and all-out brawls. They require extra police protection. Yes, they're the dreaded....

Beanie Babies.

Don't be fooled! They may look huggable, but so does Drew Barrymore. If we aren't careful, these little bags of beans will take over sports altogether!

No? No? Look what Beanie Babies did to last week's All-Star Game in Denver. All those who entered Coors Field were given a little stuffed bear named Glory and a little card to prove they got him at the game. Sound fine? Pah! It was like the fall of Saigon. Marauding Beanie Baby collectors hounded fans, begging them to sell their Glorys. Some offered as much as $500. One lady had a sign: WILL SELL MY CHILD FOR GLORY. There was a brawl at one stadium gate. Police had to take over distribution. One All-Star volunteer was charged with stealing a box of the little demon beasts. Of course, the box of 27 bears was said to be worth about $4,000 on the street.

Listen, these little buggers will corrupt your soul. Before the New York Mets gave away Batty the Bat on Sunday, they had to hire 24-hour security to guard the boxes for four days. Hey, you never know when a pack of eight-year-olds is going to tunnel up from Brooklyn.

Earlier this season, in Detroit, people started arriving at Tiger Stadium at 6:30 in the morning for a 7:30 p.m. game. Were they dying to see Ken Griffey Jr.? Nah. Stripes the Tiger, a four-ounce legume receptacle. For a Cubs day game at Wrigley Field, obsessed Beanie weenies sat out in lawn chairs beginning at midnight. They wanted Daisy the Cow, a memorial to the late Harry Caray. Daisy is now valued at more than $500. Harry who?

This is what it has come to in sports: Why give a $10 million-a-year contract to Randy Johnson when Smoochy the Frog (Busch Stadium, St. Louis, Aug. 14) will sell out the house a lot cheaper? Why sign bonus babies when you can sign Beanie Babies? You know what's next, right?

Superstar slugger: Uh, you wanted to see me, Skip?

Manager: Yeah, Reggie. Tough luck. You've been traded to the Padres. We got a helluva deal, though—30,000 Lucky the Ladybugs.

Slugger: That's it?

Manager: No. We got the little cards, too.

It's not just baseball. Last season the Philadelphia 76ers used Baldy the Eagle to sell out a game against the Golden State Warriors. The Golden State Warriors! "Man, I couldn't believe the crowds waiting to get those Beanie Babies," said Sixers forward Tim Thomas. "I thought they must be stuffed with money."

It's a disease. People have attacked UPS trucks outside toy boutiques in hopes that a shipment of Beanie Babies was on board. McDonald's has gone through 250 million Teenie Beanie Babies. Turnstile operators around the country will tell you that a lot of people get into the ballpark, get their Beanie Baby, turn right around and leave. It's un-American!

When David Wells pitched his perfect game in May, it was Beanie Baby night at Yankee Stadium (Valentino the Bear). Nearly 50,000 people turned out, as opposed to the 16,600 who had showed up for his last start. Valentino, Wells's glove and a ticket stub are now in the Hall of Fame.

You see? Step by step, an invasion! Beanie Babies are the new national pastime! Listen to what Houston Astros marketing vice president Pam Gardner said recently: "If Mark McGwire keeps hitting homers ... he could rival Beanie Babies." Oh, no! A 260-pound, record-breaking home run hitter bigger than a $6 furball stuffed in China? God forbid!

There are people who walk the stadium aisles on Beanie Baby nights, handing spectators $50 to $100 just for the commemorative card that comes with the toy. Scoundrels that they are, they take the cards and couple them with Beanie Babies that weren't given away that night and then dupe collectors.

You see? These little scrunchy monsters are eroding the moral fiber of this country!

If you can't take it anymore, pack up your Glorys and your Battys and your Baldys and send them to me. I promise, I'll burn them in a Glory-ous bonfire as a protest against this ridiculous and demeaning trend that's humiliating our great sports.

(Be sure to include the little cards.)

Tell us what you think. Sound off on the CNN/SI Message Boards.

Past Editions of Life of Reilly

photograph by Robert Beck

Issue date: July 20, 1998